,,

1.
i liked you because when you spoke you said
things like “blue busses remind me of Easter”
and “God lives inside the walls of art museums”

2.
two days before graduation you picked me up at 4 AM
and we drove down to Michigan, I told you about my
sister and you told me about winters in Connecticut

3.
when i left for college, i wrote you three poems and
handed them to you in white envelopes, you gave me
sea shells you found when you were thirteen and alone

4.
he tastes bitter and i still think about your laughter
i wonder if you look for the moon on broken nights
because my skin burns when strange boys touch me

5.
when i received the invitation to your wedding,
i took a shower and boiled myself into patches
of pain, then i called and said congratulations

6.
she looked beautiful at the wedding and i got
drunk off of red wine and told your mother how
you used to cry when people called you brave

7.
we talked once, you told me you haven’t read
my poems yet and asked if i still had your sea
shells, i told you i was supposed to be in white

8.
i moved to Australia and three years later i
received an apology letter from you which
i burned and then wouldn’t sleep for weeks

9.
i still think about you on nights when my
husband is sleeping and my black lungs
want cigarettes i promised to stop smoking

10.
i saw you in my dreams last night, you
were kissing my neck and stroking my
thighs and i woke up crying in sweat

11.
i went to your funeral last Thursday night,
you were always talking about Autumn so
i didn’t think you should have died in winter

12.
i cut my hair short before visiting your grave
because i didn’t want anyone to recognize me,
i left your sea shells and cried on the way home

confessions from my alcoholic mother  (via irynka)

I’m crying

(via mypoliticsofholyshit)